The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings

#30. Strawberry

Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s

Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”

#29. Karen

Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?

Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster

#28. Lizbeth

Pro: Likes lasagna

Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise

#27. Royce

Pro: Loves to laugh?

Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride

#26. Jeanette

Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights

Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows

#25. Stacey

Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically

Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point

#24. Jen

Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction

Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her

#23. Blah Blah

Pro: World of Warcraft player

Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient

#22. Holli

Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?

Con: Isn’t named “Holly”

#21. Mary

Pro: Paralegal at a successful company

Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute

#20. Vicky

Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person

Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really

#19. Becky

Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…

Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes

#18. Molly

Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)

Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio

#17. Zoey

Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well

Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around

#16. Marybeth

Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends

Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.

#15. Holly

Pro: Um…

Con: Um… (seriously, the only thing we know about Holly is that she reminds Ted of Robin, because her ex-fiance is named Wayne, the last name of Batman, whose partner is Robin, and that she slept with Ted)

#14. Amy

Pro: A whole lot of fun if you’re into drinking and hot tubs and even more drinking

Con: Doesn’t think twice about her ex-boyfriend giving her current hook-up a butterfly tattoo on his lower back

#13. Cathy

Pro: Isn’t shy

Con: Women be talkin’ (her fatal flaw was that she talked too much, so, yeah)

#12. Amanda

Pro: Chef at a nice restaurant, skilled pumpkin cheesecake baker

Con: Misspells Lily as “Lori,” lets her hair fall into the soup she’s preparing

#11. Naomi

Pro: Goes to Halloween parties as slutty pumpkins

Con: Apparently her ex- has a weird past with some kooky made-up religion, warning sign

#10. Carly

Pro: Could be Elisha Cuthbert’s sister

Con: Has Stinson in her (meaning she’s related to Barney), only enjoys the new Star Wars movies

#9. Stella

Pro: Good mom, awesome daughter, can yell STTTTTTEEEELLLLLAAAAAA at her whenever you want

Con: HAS NEVER SEEN ORIGINAL STAR WARS, SAW STAR WARS, HATED STAR WARS

#8. Robyn

Pro: Exactly like Robin (shoots guns, drinks scotch, etc.), blonde

Con: Canadian

#7. Natalie

Pro: Knows Krav Maga, listens to Belle and Sebastian, collects sock monkeys

Con: Prone to getting back with ex-boyfriends who broke up with her over answering machine messages

#6. Natalia

Pro: Gourmet cook, can quote every line from Caddyshack, world class violinist

Con: I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention. My phone was ringing.

#5. Honey

Pro: Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry

Con: Not the sharpest tack, once gave her Social Security number to a Nigerian prince, you’ll be broke in hours

#4. Trudy

Pro: Cool with threesomes, finds drunk people singing in bars sexy, looks like Winnie Cooper

Con: Leaves in the middle of the night, uses pineapples as MacGuffins

#3. Victoria

Pro: Always smells like bread and cupcakes, as sweet as said cupcakes, has the same name as a great Kinks song

Con: Might leave you at the altar, isn’t down with the whole “in love with your best friend” thing

#2. Janet

Pro: Graduated from Princeton at 15, donated kidney to stranger, climbed Mt. Everest, saved a baby, billionaire

Con: Enjoys Annie Hall more than Bananas

#1. Cindy

Pro: Summer. Roberts.

Con: NONE